Alone

I am in my mid sixties and for the first time in my life, I am living alone. Cancer robbed me of the great love of my life a few weeks ago. I am fortunate that I am surrounded by memories and my dedicated children and their families. I am also blessed with a caring niece and my wife's cousin.

I have forced myself to cook fairly balanced meals and only occasionally have forgotten my meds. I read the paper when I go out for breakfast, that way I don't feel alone. I see several other men in my age group doing the same thing. Dinner out means sitting at the bar in the restaurant. They always have a TV on and the bar tender will almost always chat with the patrons at the bar. Very few introverts become bar tenders.

When I was working, I was required to travel to Europe and I was usually gone at least two weeks. I hated the travel as I was away from my family, but I knew it was a limited situation.

Now, I am alone in 9 rooms. I have decided that I will not make any sudden changes that I might regret in a year or two. The house will not be sold at least for the next year or two. I have seen apartment living and it does not appeal to me. My yard is filled with flowers and flowering trees and bushes. They were all planted by me at Marie's request. I feel the need to tend them a while longer. As sick as she was, she would ask me every day if her Rose of Sharon had bloomed. As soon as it did I brought the pictures to show her. All the blooms died the day after she passed.

Evening are the hardest time. I do not have the patients or concentration to watch much TV. I tape everything and then will watch the programs in short segments, stopping and returning when I feel like it.

I know this feeling will pass in time. Marie told me that I would be OK, and I will be.